just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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