I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
