after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
