Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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