well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
