i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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