So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
