I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
