I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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