the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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