I want to have your abortion
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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