I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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