It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
