I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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