we're chasing vodka with high fives
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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