remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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