I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
