Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
