dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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