I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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