I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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