i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
