Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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