you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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