So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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