Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
