Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
