you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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