I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
