you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
