Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
