this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Who died my cat blue again?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
