I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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