Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
