I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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