Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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