How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
