i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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