So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
