My first STD was from a foam party
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
