I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
