I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
