Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
