Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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