I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
