4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's official drugs can't kill me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
