I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
