I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
