dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
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