I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
